I’m literally in tears as I write this. It’s 10:30am and I haven’t pumped since midnight, but she needs me. My stomach rumbles every time I look at this stupid muffin sitting just 2 feet away on the coffee table. There’s laundry to fold, floors to clean and pictures to edit, yet here I sit on the couch, because if I move she will wake up and cry.
The last 2 months have been a roller coaster ride. With Nick starting back on a night shift now (BLAH!!!) we are in for some more loops here soon. Some days she laughs and smiles, others she screams for no real reason. It’s enough to make me want to give up and go back to bed, but she needs me.
I’ve heard a thousand times that things will change now that I’m a mom. That everything will be different, that I’ll no longer be “free“. While I’m not sure how “free” I was before this little girl joined our lives, but I can say that things have changed. Now I think about someone else constantly. I no longer spend a full day cleaning or sleep deeply through the night. My hair is a constant mess, make up is rarely done and showers are more like a neurotic game of “Baby or Imagination”. Why? Because my time is better spent taking care of her needs than dusting daily or putting on mascara or smelling like a cherry blossom (although I do miss not smelling like milk and sweat constantly).
Some days are rough and some days I feel like I’m failing. But all in all, I do LOVE being a mommy. I love watching her grow and smile, hearing her talk and coo. I love our family outings and nights in on the couch snuggling. Most of all, I love that I’m her mommy and that she’s my Little Dove and nothing will ever change that.
Now I have to go. She just woke up and she needs me.